I found this via http://www.onefloorup.com/. Click the arrow at the right.
http://www.morenewmath.com/
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My Favorite Lines From Various Songs in My iTunes Library
"I mean, she even cooks me pancakes, and Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches. If that ain't love, then I don't know what love is." -Cupid's Chokehold, Gym Class Heroes
"Sheisters live from scheme to scheme, but my fourth quarter pipe dreams are seeming more and more worth fighting for." -Loose Lips, Kimya Dawson
"And I can't believe that I'm your man, and I get to kiss you, baby, just because I can." -Everything, Michael Buble
"I have no problems dipping in my feet, but the trouble comes when I have to jump." -Sideways, Let's Go Sailing
"Come on, boo, gimme kiss." -Ride Wit Me, Nelly
"You look at me, but you're not quite sure: Am I it or could you get more? You learn cool from magazines, we all learned love from Charlie Sheen. But if you want me, let me know, and I promise that I won't say no." -Intuition, Jewel (XM Radio Sessions version)
"And the best is, no one knows who you are, just another girl alone at the bar." -Don't Trust Me, 3oh!3
"I read the news with all its angles bent, blame my confusion on designs of intelligence." -This Isn't Farm Life, The Essex Green
"I've been touched in places by very scary hands." -When I Say Go, The 1900s
"Well, I hate to be a bother, but it's you and there's no other, I do believe. You can call me naive, but I know me well at least as far as I can tell and I know what I need." -Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf
and also, "If I could name you in this song, would it make you smile and sing along?" -Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf
"Then maybe later, we'll get hot by the refrigerator, in the kitchen next to the pantry, you think that might be what you fancy?" -If You're Into It, Flight of the Conchords
"Bring your sister over here, let her dance with me just for the hell of it." -Chelsea Dagger, The Fratellis
"Said stick your toes all up in the air, 'Come on, it'll be fun!'" -The Party Punch, Oh No! Oh My!
"But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun, and count every beautiful thing we can see." -In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, Neutral Milk Hotel
"I heard the Eskimos remove obstructions with tongues, dear. You missed my eye, I wonder why, I didn't complain. You missed my eye, I wonder why, please do it again." -Another Sunny Day, Belle and Sebastian
"If you knew that love can't break your heart, when you're down so low you cannot fall, would you change?" -Change, Tracy Chapman
"My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance and take off their underpants." -My Band, D12
"Do you remember when we first moved in together, the piano took up the living room? You played me boogie woogie, I played you love songs. You'd say we're playing house, now you still say we are." -Do You Remember, Jack Johnson
"What's with these homies dissin' my girl?" -Buddy Holly, Weezer
"We're not living the good life unless we're fighting the good fight, you and me just trying to get it right." -You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie, The Submarines
"And I think that I just fell in love with you." I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love with You, Tom Waits
"Steven A. Douglas was a great debater, but Abraham Lincoln was the great emancipator." -Decatur, Sufjan Stevens
"Everyone's a superhero, everyone's a Captain Kirk." -99 Red Balloons, Siobhan DuVall
"True, that he's no Prince Charming, but there's something in him that I simply didn't see." -Something There, Paige O'Hara and Robby Benson (from Beauty and the Beast)
"I hope I become a ghost and make sure the future turns out fine." -I Hope I Become a Ghost, The Deadly Syndrome
"She had eyes so blue, they looked like weather." -It'll All Work Out, Tom Petty
"I won't be warm until I'm lying in your arms." -Gotta Have You, The Weepies
"We sure are cute for two ugly people." -Anyone Else But You, The Moldy Peaches
"My lips are unhappy without you." -Lips Are Unhappy, Lucky Soul
"And I want to know if you've ever felt the same way too, throwing up your hands and putting down all the things that you were supposed to do." -Sun Down, Nik Frietas
"I'd be lost forever if you slipped away. Blue eyes, you're the reason for my change." -Blue Eyes, Timmy Curran
"Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all; keep on building bombs, gonna drop them all." -Ain't No Reason, Brett Dennen
"Does he walk around all day at school, with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you?" -The Calendar Hung Itself, Bright Eyes
"Take only what you need from me." -Kids, MGMT
"I threw my money in a wishing well, but nothing got better and I'm slightly wetter." -Wishing Well, Love is All
"She's a symbol of resistance and she's holding onto my heart like a hand grenade." -She's a Rebel, Green Day
"And it's magic if the music is groovy, it makes you feel happy like an old time movie." -Do You Believe In Magic, The Lovin' Spoonful
"Sheisters live from scheme to scheme, but my fourth quarter pipe dreams are seeming more and more worth fighting for." -Loose Lips, Kimya Dawson
"And I can't believe that I'm your man, and I get to kiss you, baby, just because I can." -Everything, Michael Buble
"I have no problems dipping in my feet, but the trouble comes when I have to jump." -Sideways, Let's Go Sailing
"Come on, boo, gimme kiss." -Ride Wit Me, Nelly
"You look at me, but you're not quite sure: Am I it or could you get more? You learn cool from magazines, we all learned love from Charlie Sheen. But if you want me, let me know, and I promise that I won't say no." -Intuition, Jewel (XM Radio Sessions version)
"And the best is, no one knows who you are, just another girl alone at the bar." -Don't Trust Me, 3oh!3
"I read the news with all its angles bent, blame my confusion on designs of intelligence." -This Isn't Farm Life, The Essex Green
"I've been touched in places by very scary hands." -When I Say Go, The 1900s
"Well, I hate to be a bother, but it's you and there's no other, I do believe. You can call me naive, but I know me well at least as far as I can tell and I know what I need." -Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf
and also, "If I could name you in this song, would it make you smile and sing along?" -Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf
"Then maybe later, we'll get hot by the refrigerator, in the kitchen next to the pantry, you think that might be what you fancy?" -If You're Into It, Flight of the Conchords
"Bring your sister over here, let her dance with me just for the hell of it." -Chelsea Dagger, The Fratellis
"Said stick your toes all up in the air, 'Come on, it'll be fun!'" -The Party Punch, Oh No! Oh My!
"But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun, and count every beautiful thing we can see." -In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, Neutral Milk Hotel
"I heard the Eskimos remove obstructions with tongues, dear. You missed my eye, I wonder why, I didn't complain. You missed my eye, I wonder why, please do it again." -Another Sunny Day, Belle and Sebastian
"If you knew that love can't break your heart, when you're down so low you cannot fall, would you change?" -Change, Tracy Chapman
"My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance and take off their underpants." -My Band, D12
"Do you remember when we first moved in together, the piano took up the living room? You played me boogie woogie, I played you love songs. You'd say we're playing house, now you still say we are." -Do You Remember, Jack Johnson
"What's with these homies dissin' my girl?" -Buddy Holly, Weezer
"We're not living the good life unless we're fighting the good fight, you and me just trying to get it right." -You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie, The Submarines
"And I think that I just fell in love with you." I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love with You, Tom Waits
"Steven A. Douglas was a great debater, but Abraham Lincoln was the great emancipator." -Decatur, Sufjan Stevens
"Everyone's a superhero, everyone's a Captain Kirk." -99 Red Balloons, Siobhan DuVall
"True, that he's no Prince Charming, but there's something in him that I simply didn't see." -Something There, Paige O'Hara and Robby Benson (from Beauty and the Beast)
"I hope I become a ghost and make sure the future turns out fine." -I Hope I Become a Ghost, The Deadly Syndrome
"She had eyes so blue, they looked like weather." -It'll All Work Out, Tom Petty
"I won't be warm until I'm lying in your arms." -Gotta Have You, The Weepies
"We sure are cute for two ugly people." -Anyone Else But You, The Moldy Peaches
"My lips are unhappy without you." -Lips Are Unhappy, Lucky Soul
"And I want to know if you've ever felt the same way too, throwing up your hands and putting down all the things that you were supposed to do." -Sun Down, Nik Frietas
"I'd be lost forever if you slipped away. Blue eyes, you're the reason for my change." -Blue Eyes, Timmy Curran
"Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all; keep on building bombs, gonna drop them all." -Ain't No Reason, Brett Dennen
"Does he walk around all day at school, with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you?" -The Calendar Hung Itself, Bright Eyes
"Take only what you need from me." -Kids, MGMT
"I threw my money in a wishing well, but nothing got better and I'm slightly wetter." -Wishing Well, Love is All
"She's a symbol of resistance and she's holding onto my heart like a hand grenade." -She's a Rebel, Green Day
"And it's magic if the music is groovy, it makes you feel happy like an old time movie." -Do You Believe In Magic, The Lovin' Spoonful
I Used to Think That...
+Airplanes just knew where they were going and didn't talk to people on the ground. Later, when I learned that they "followed a pattern" or something like that, I thought that they wore special glasses and followed highways in the sky that the rest of us couldn't see.
+There was some major office that just... knew everything and orchestrated all events and bus routes and elections and apartment rentals and inventions.
+I would go to NYU, major in musical theatre, and eventually perform on Broadway. Then I realized I couldn't sing.
+I would follow a band on tour impulsively and become tight with them and live a nomadic life for a while with them. I still think that would be pretty cool. I just don't know which band.
+I could, one day, read every book. Then, when I found out that wasn't possible, I thought that I could one day read every book I wanted to.
+Love didn't exist.
+Making my parents hold hands would help set the mood for them to give me a sibling.
+The dog from those Bush's Baked Beans commercials actually kept the recipe with him.
+I would go to medical school and become a doctor.
+I wanted to be a pearl- and cardigan-wearing, nanny-hiring, Hamptons-vacationing, always made up, marrying into the New England socialite society type girl. Now I don't know what type of girl I want to be.
+One day, I would go to camp and meet my long lost brother or sister and my life would be complete. I begged my parents every year to send me to camp.
+Your hair was kept inside your head, and when it grew it was just coming out of your head.
+I would, one day, get a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
+Everything could be answered. If I asked a question that my parents couldn't answer, they were stupid.
+I would be President one day.
+I knew who I was.
+Things made of wood were carved from one giant piece of wood, not individual pieces put together.
+Everyone had a home.
+Well, I used to wonder why actors used different names when they were on screen. Like, wouldn't it be easier if they just went by their actual name all the time?
+I could do anything.
+When someone said they were an "inventor," they went to this center that had every part and tool you could imagine and it was just a BIG HUGE workshop where everyone invented things. It resembled a less colorful Santa's workshop.
+Movies were actually filmed where they were set.
+When the street lines got repainted, people drove a truck and there was a guy hanging out the back of it, putting his paintbrush on the ground regularly. I still don't know how they get there.
+There was some major office that just... knew everything and orchestrated all events and bus routes and elections and apartment rentals and inventions.
+I would go to NYU, major in musical theatre, and eventually perform on Broadway. Then I realized I couldn't sing.
+I would follow a band on tour impulsively and become tight with them and live a nomadic life for a while with them. I still think that would be pretty cool. I just don't know which band.
+I could, one day, read every book. Then, when I found out that wasn't possible, I thought that I could one day read every book I wanted to.
+Love didn't exist.
+Making my parents hold hands would help set the mood for them to give me a sibling.
+The dog from those Bush's Baked Beans commercials actually kept the recipe with him.
+I would go to medical school and become a doctor.
+I wanted to be a pearl- and cardigan-wearing, nanny-hiring, Hamptons-vacationing, always made up, marrying into the New England socialite society type girl. Now I don't know what type of girl I want to be.
+One day, I would go to camp and meet my long lost brother or sister and my life would be complete. I begged my parents every year to send me to camp.
+Your hair was kept inside your head, and when it grew it was just coming out of your head.
+I would, one day, get a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
+Everything could be answered. If I asked a question that my parents couldn't answer, they were stupid.
+I would be President one day.
+I knew who I was.
+Things made of wood were carved from one giant piece of wood, not individual pieces put together.
+Everyone had a home.
+Well, I used to wonder why actors used different names when they were on screen. Like, wouldn't it be easier if they just went by their actual name all the time?
+I could do anything.
+When someone said they were an "inventor," they went to this center that had every part and tool you could imagine and it was just a BIG HUGE workshop where everyone invented things. It resembled a less colorful Santa's workshop.
+Movies were actually filmed where they were set.
+When the street lines got repainted, people drove a truck and there was a guy hanging out the back of it, putting his paintbrush on the ground regularly. I still don't know how they get there.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Things To Do Over Spring Break
1. Sleep.
2. Spend every waking minute with Samir and slowly develop his way of speaking.
3. Walk to Evanston.
4. Learn how to solve a Rubik's cube blindly.
5. Create a giant slip 'n' slide down the entire hall of the ninth floor.
6. Knit.
7. Watch Gilmore Girls.
8. Print out life-size pictures of friends and wear them as masks. Also, wear any clothes said friends left behind.
9. Write bad poetry.
10. Learn Tamil.
11. Create a personal SPRING BREAK WOOOO! and get smashed and flash the neighbors.
12. Play Scrabble.
13. Play Strip Scrabble (more fun.).
14. Make a GIANT FORT by bunking all the beds in the boys' quint.
15. Create culinary masterpieces.
16. Spend the week trying to survive as a bum in downtown Chicago.
17. ?
2. Spend every waking minute with Samir and slowly develop his way of speaking.
3. Walk to Evanston.
4. Learn how to solve a Rubik's cube blindly.
5. Create a giant slip 'n' slide down the entire hall of the ninth floor.
6. Knit.
7. Watch Gilmore Girls.
8. Print out life-size pictures of friends and wear them as masks. Also, wear any clothes said friends left behind.
9. Write bad poetry.
10. Learn Tamil.
11. Create a personal SPRING BREAK WOOOO! and get smashed and flash the neighbors.
12. Play Scrabble.
13. Play Strip Scrabble (more fun.).
14. Make a GIANT FORT by bunking all the beds in the boys' quint.
15. Create culinary masterpieces.
16. Spend the week trying to survive as a bum in downtown Chicago.
17. ?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Damn Prinstonians
so i came across this on facebook via creepy stalker newsfeed. i thought i'd share it.
http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2000/03/07/399/
Sunday, March 15, 2009
That Party Last Night
I'm woken up this morning by the buzzing sound of my phone vibrating against my dresser. I'm getting a call. It's 11 AM. I grumpily sit up and grab the phone.
"Mm'ello?"
"Hey, dude"
"What's up, Bo?"
"Well some family friends are coming over today. Could you like, clean up the room a little bit?"
"Umm..."
"Yeah like there's a cigar on my desk, and some beer cans... I just don't want them to see that stuff when they come over."
"Alright"
"Thanks dude."
Grumbling, I get out of bed. Last night, our room saw an impressive sequence of drinking games lasting long into the night; it was at least 2AM before the last guy stumbled out the door. Needless to say, "some beer cans" was a bit of an understatement. I got to work.
After some hasty gathering of the empty cans and various bottles and cups in the room it was time to take out the trash. I lumbered out of my room toward the trash room down the hall. In one hand I carried a large trash bag full of empty cans, in the other a cardboard "Coors" box full of more cans. I had on pajama pants, and no shirt. My chest proudly displayed the permanent-marker artwork of some girls on my floor: A heart with arrows pointing up toward my head and down toward my crotch.
As I trudged grumpily down the hall, from around the corner a student emerged. Accompanying him were his mother and four-year-old sister. We walked past each other without exchanging eye-contact.
I love college.
"Mm'ello?"
"Hey, dude"
"What's up, Bo?"
"Well some family friends are coming over today. Could you like, clean up the room a little bit?"
"Umm..."
"Yeah like there's a cigar on my desk, and some beer cans... I just don't want them to see that stuff when they come over."
"Alright"
"Thanks dude."
Grumbling, I get out of bed. Last night, our room saw an impressive sequence of drinking games lasting long into the night; it was at least 2AM before the last guy stumbled out the door. Needless to say, "some beer cans" was a bit of an understatement. I got to work.
After some hasty gathering of the empty cans and various bottles and cups in the room it was time to take out the trash. I lumbered out of my room toward the trash room down the hall. In one hand I carried a large trash bag full of empty cans, in the other a cardboard "Coors" box full of more cans. I had on pajama pants, and no shirt. My chest proudly displayed the permanent-marker artwork of some girls on my floor: A heart with arrows pointing up toward my head and down toward my crotch.
As I trudged grumpily down the hall, from around the corner a student emerged. Accompanying him were his mother and four-year-old sister. We walked past each other without exchanging eye-contact.
I love college.
The 3 Sh's
If you are in the predicament of readying yourself to go out in a short amount of time. Follow Samir's 3 Sh's process:
Shit
Shave
Shower
Problem solved.
Shit
Shave
Shower
Problem solved.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Physical Challenge: Opposite Night
Remembering that stupid little game we used to play as schoolchildren, Opposite Day? Growing up sucks, especially when you wake up the morning after Opposite Night, the more licentious game of collegiate debauchery. The game involves reversing the proportions of the drinks you consume. You usually drink gin and tonics? Tonight, you drink tonic and gin - a shot of tonic, fill the glass the rest of the way with gin, add a lime. Thinking about Jager Bombs? Today, you're dropping shot glasses of Red Bull into pints of Jager. You usually drink beer? Well - you're not really playing then, are you? Make yourself a screwdriver - easy on the OJ.
Now, we know what some of you are saying...this sounds irresponsible. You're damned right. Of course, just because we're responsible adults now, doesn't mean we have to look after you when your IQ drops to that of your three year old self.
shoutouts to LiquorSnob.com
Now, we know what some of you are saying...this sounds irresponsible. You're damned right. Of course, just because we're responsible adults now, doesn't mean we have to look after you when your IQ drops to that of your three year old self.
shoutouts to LiquorSnob.com
The Quint: A Play In Three Acts
ACT 1
[Setting: Middle of winter quarter, Sunday, ~10:20 PM. ALEX, a skinny white guy, lumbers into the room wearing jeans, a red messenger bag and a forest green winter coat. The main room is dark.]
ALEX: What up, Quint?
[ALEX walks across the main room into his bedroom where BO, a skinny Asian wearing tight corduroys and a ‘Say Hi to your Mom’ T-shirt sits at his computer. Sunset Rubdown plays softly from the speakers.]
BO: Hey, dude.
ALEX: What up bro. Where is everyone?
BO: Samir and Connor are at the Reg*, I think. Stefan's in his room maybe?
ALEX: Cool. [He removes his backpack and coat and drops them haphazardly in the middle of the floor]
BO: Where you been, dude?
ALEX: Off-Off.**
BO: Sweet, how was that?
ALEX: Pretty good. We did this one scene where I was like, a principal and this guy Timur was a student. But we were like, making this plot to burn down the school together. It was funny.
BO: Haha. Sounds good, dude.
ALEX: What you been up to?
BO: Looking up stats on MLB.com. It's such a waste of time! I need to do my stats homework!
ALEX: Haha. Alright good luck, I'm gonna go work on math.
BO: Sounds good, dude.
ALEX: And um, NOT play stupid flash games.
BO: Haha, alright. [ALEX leaves. From his bedroom across the main room, STEFAN calls out.]
STEFAN: ZORN!!***
ALEX: What up!
STEFAN: Zorn! Get in here, mate!
ALEX: Ugh. I have math to do. [He walks into STEFAN’s room anyway.]
STEFAN: I have biology to do! Just check this out, bro.
[STEFAN, another skinny Asian, lies fully clothed on his bed, under his blue comforter. He is wearing jeans and a black button-down. He stares intently at his laptop.]
STEFAN: Check it.
ALEX: Cracked.com top ten celebrities of all time?
STEFAN: [Laughs] Just read it, bro! [Turns the computer toward ALEX]
ALEX: I have work to do!
STEFAN: So do I! You're probably just gonna play stupid internet games.
ALEX: Shut up.
ALEX: [Reading] Number seven is Mona Lisa? She isn't even a real person, dude.
STEFAN: What? Don't you have a sense of humor, mate? You're in off-off! [ALEX rolls his eyes.]
[A knock sounds from the door.]
STEFAN: Come in!
KAYLEY and BRANKA: Hey boys quint!!! [They walk into STEFAN’s room. KAYLEY is a tall white girl with brown hair (with faded purple dye underneath) and a nice ass****. She’s wearing crew sweatpants and a Catcher in the Rye T-shirt. BRANKA, an ensnaringly attractive Serbian girl, has on skinny jeans and a low-cut black blouse.]
BRANKA: Hey boys.
ALEX: [In an awkward, jokingly sexual tone.] Hey, ladies. [BRANKA giggles.]
KAYLEY: Where's Connor?
BRANKA: Probably at the Reg.
STEFAN: Oh I see. You guys just come in here for Connor?
KAYLEY: Yeah, pretty much.
BRANKA: Mm-hmm.
ALEX: [To KAYLEY] How was your day?
KAYLEY: It was alright.
ALEX: Cool.
[There is a short pause.]
BRANKA: Alright. Let's go Kayley. Bye boys quint! [They begin to leave.]
STEFAN: Brankaaaaa...
BRANKA: Hm?
STEFAN: Why do you love Connor and hate me?
BRANKA: [In a mock-aggressive tone.] Because you're filthy and you take advantage of women and you're not a nice person! [She breaks and giggles]
STEFAN: [Flops on his bed face-down] Brankaa. You're killing me. [BRANKA smiles]
BRANKA: Alright, bye boys.
KAYLEY: Bye.
ALEX: See-ya. [The girls leave]
BO: [From the kitchen] Who drank my juice!??
STEFAN: Mate I gotta show you this website...
ALEX: Bro, I gotta work. [He gets up and leaves]
STEFAN: Broo! No come back!
[BO enters]
BO: Stefan, did you drink my juice?
STEFAN: [Smiling guiltily] Mayyybee.
BO: You owe me $2.50.
STEFAN: [Muttering] I always pay for the alcohol...
BO: I bought this juice. You drink it, you pay your share.
STEFAN: Ok, ok. [Walks over to his bookshelf and starts digging in a cup of quarters.]
BO: I don't want your fuckin quarters!
STEFAN: [Handing BO a stack of quarters.] Here. Now can I drink your juice?
BO: [Sighing] Fine. Give me bills next time dude.
ALEX: [From the main room] FUCK YOU LASER ALIENS!
End of Act 1
*The main on-campus library.
**An improv and sketch comedy group which ALEX is a member of.
***ALEX's last name, which some refer to him as.
****This is an objective fact, not simply a bias of the author.
[Setting: Middle of winter quarter, Sunday, ~10:20 PM. ALEX, a skinny white guy, lumbers into the room wearing jeans, a red messenger bag and a forest green winter coat. The main room is dark.]
ALEX: What up, Quint?
[ALEX walks across the main room into his bedroom where BO, a skinny Asian wearing tight corduroys and a ‘Say Hi to your Mom’ T-shirt sits at his computer. Sunset Rubdown plays softly from the speakers.]
BO: Hey, dude.
ALEX: What up bro. Where is everyone?
BO: Samir and Connor are at the Reg*, I think. Stefan's in his room maybe?
ALEX: Cool. [He removes his backpack and coat and drops them haphazardly in the middle of the floor]
BO: Where you been, dude?
ALEX: Off-Off.**
BO: Sweet, how was that?
ALEX: Pretty good. We did this one scene where I was like, a principal and this guy Timur was a student. But we were like, making this plot to burn down the school together. It was funny.
BO: Haha. Sounds good, dude.
ALEX: What you been up to?
BO: Looking up stats on MLB.com. It's such a waste of time! I need to do my stats homework!
ALEX: Haha. Alright good luck, I'm gonna go work on math.
BO: Sounds good, dude.
ALEX: And um, NOT play stupid flash games.
BO: Haha, alright. [ALEX leaves. From his bedroom across the main room, STEFAN calls out.]
STEFAN: ZORN!!***
ALEX: What up!
STEFAN: Zorn! Get in here, mate!
ALEX: Ugh. I have math to do. [He walks into STEFAN’s room anyway.]
STEFAN: I have biology to do! Just check this out, bro.
[STEFAN, another skinny Asian, lies fully clothed on his bed, under his blue comforter. He is wearing jeans and a black button-down. He stares intently at his laptop.]
STEFAN: Check it.
ALEX: Cracked.com top ten celebrities of all time?
STEFAN: [Laughs] Just read it, bro! [Turns the computer toward ALEX]
ALEX: I have work to do!
STEFAN: So do I! You're probably just gonna play stupid internet games.
ALEX: Shut up.
ALEX: [Reading] Number seven is Mona Lisa? She isn't even a real person, dude.
STEFAN: What? Don't you have a sense of humor, mate? You're in off-off! [ALEX rolls his eyes.]
[A knock sounds from the door.]
STEFAN: Come in!
KAYLEY and BRANKA: Hey boys quint!!! [They walk into STEFAN’s room. KAYLEY is a tall white girl with brown hair (with faded purple dye underneath) and a nice ass****. She’s wearing crew sweatpants and a Catcher in the Rye T-shirt. BRANKA, an ensnaringly attractive Serbian girl, has on skinny jeans and a low-cut black blouse.]
BRANKA: Hey boys.
ALEX: [In an awkward, jokingly sexual tone.] Hey, ladies. [BRANKA giggles.]
KAYLEY: Where's Connor?
BRANKA: Probably at the Reg.
STEFAN: Oh I see. You guys just come in here for Connor?
KAYLEY: Yeah, pretty much.
BRANKA: Mm-hmm.
ALEX: [To KAYLEY] How was your day?
KAYLEY: It was alright.
ALEX: Cool.
[There is a short pause.]
BRANKA: Alright. Let's go Kayley. Bye boys quint! [They begin to leave.]
STEFAN: Brankaaaaa...
BRANKA: Hm?
STEFAN: Why do you love Connor and hate me?
BRANKA: [In a mock-aggressive tone.] Because you're filthy and you take advantage of women and you're not a nice person! [She breaks and giggles]
STEFAN: [Flops on his bed face-down] Brankaa. You're killing me. [BRANKA smiles]
BRANKA: Alright, bye boys.
KAYLEY: Bye.
ALEX: See-ya. [The girls leave]
BO: [From the kitchen] Who drank my juice!??
STEFAN: Mate I gotta show you this website...
ALEX: Bro, I gotta work. [He gets up and leaves]
STEFAN: Broo! No come back!
[BO enters]
BO: Stefan, did you drink my juice?
STEFAN: [Smiling guiltily] Mayyybee.
BO: You owe me $2.50.
STEFAN: [Muttering] I always pay for the alcohol...
BO: I bought this juice. You drink it, you pay your share.
STEFAN: Ok, ok. [Walks over to his bookshelf and starts digging in a cup of quarters.]
BO: I don't want your fuckin quarters!
STEFAN: [Handing BO a stack of quarters.] Here. Now can I drink your juice?
BO: [Sighing] Fine. Give me bills next time dude.
ALEX: [From the main room] FUCK YOU LASER ALIENS!
End of Act 1
*The main on-campus library.
**An improv and sketch comedy group which ALEX is a member of.
***ALEX's last name, which some refer to him as.
****This is an objective fact, not simply a bias of the author.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I'll Get My Second Degree
Things I Have Burned Myself On at UofC:
1. The little pipe underneath the window of the Shoreland going to the radiator. I have two scars, one on each leg, little bars like 2 inches above my knees because I got on my knees to open the window and when I pushed it up, I leaned forward and my legs got RIDICULOUSLY burned.
2. The toaster at Pierce. People, what happens when you don't take out your bagel/toast/English muffin/failed cookie when it's done is there's a backup, and someone who stands there patiently waiting for her onion bagel to be lightly toasted becomes less patient and reaches in, past all of your breakfast items, to grab hers, subsequently burning her hand on the inside of the toaster. Then you all get a great show of yelping and jumping.
1. The little pipe underneath the window of the Shoreland going to the radiator. I have two scars, one on each leg, little bars like 2 inches above my knees because I got on my knees to open the window and when I pushed it up, I leaned forward and my legs got RIDICULOUSLY burned.
2. The toaster at Pierce. People, what happens when you don't take out your bagel/toast/English muffin/failed cookie when it's done is there's a backup, and someone who stands there patiently waiting for her onion bagel to be lightly toasted becomes less patient and reaches in, past all of your breakfast items, to grab hers, subsequently burning her hand on the inside of the toaster. Then you all get a great show of yelping and jumping.
7 Things
The 7 things I hate about you!
1. The Core.
2. The 1:00 and 1:20am shuttles are always packed with kids coming home because they got kicked out of the libraries that close at 1:00.
3. Today I had a debate about racial issues when I was eating dinner at Pierce.
4. Dining halls
5. One day, I was on the elliptical at the gym because my elbow was injured so I couldn't row during Crew and a team walked by (maybe wrestling or something, I don't know) carrying like three huge totes full of books into the gym. Wtf?
6. When I went home over Winter Break, I said something about "going to BJ" for lunch, and my friends giggled.
And the 7th thing I hate about you:
7. You make me love you.
And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the 7 that I like
1. The Core.
2. The 1:00 and 1:20am shuttles are always packed with kids coming home because they got kicked out of the libraries that close at 1:00.
3. Today I had a debate about racial issues when I was eating dinner at Pierce.
4. Dining halls
5. One day, I was on the elliptical at the gym because my elbow was injured so I couldn't row during Crew and a team walked by (maybe wrestling or something, I don't know) carrying like three huge totes full of books into the gym. Wtf?
6. When I went home over Winter Break, I said something about "going to BJ" for lunch, and my friends giggled.
And the 7th thing I like most that you do:
7. You make me love you.
1. The Core.
2. The 1:00 and 1:20am shuttles are always packed with kids coming home because they got kicked out of the libraries that close at 1:00.
3. Today I had a debate about racial issues when I was eating dinner at Pierce.
4. Dining halls
5. One day, I was on the elliptical at the gym because my elbow was injured so I couldn't row during Crew and a team walked by (maybe wrestling or something, I don't know) carrying like three huge totes full of books into the gym. Wtf?
6. When I went home over Winter Break, I said something about "going to BJ" for lunch, and my friends giggled.
And the 7th thing I hate about you:
7. You make me love you.
And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the 7 that I like
1. The Core.
2. The 1:00 and 1:20am shuttles are always packed with kids coming home because they got kicked out of the libraries that close at 1:00.
3. Today I had a debate about racial issues when I was eating dinner at Pierce.
4. Dining halls
5. One day, I was on the elliptical at the gym because my elbow was injured so I couldn't row during Crew and a team walked by (maybe wrestling or something, I don't know) carrying like three huge totes full of books into the gym. Wtf?
6. When I went home over Winter Break, I said something about "going to BJ" for lunch, and my friends giggled.
And the 7th thing I like most that you do:
7. You make me love you.
Good Eats Part 1
Tricks of the Trade I Have Learned About Eating at Pierce
1. Macaroni and Cheese = Delicious
2. And mashed potatoes
3. And curly fries
4. And seasoned fries
5. And steak fries
6. Mmm, fries
7. The pasta usually isn't bad, either
8. Delicious, delicious carbs
9. There will be some form of chicken almost every day. Be wary of it.
10. The pizza at pierce is almost always bad. But keep an eye out, anyway.
11. Ok, so nothing at Pierce is actually that good.
12. You learn to lower your standards.
13. After all, it is free.
14. But not really.
15. The egg-rolls aren't good, either.
16. But keep an eye out for the special at the grill, it's usually solid.
17. You can't go wrong with meatballs.
18. There's a good selection of toppings for the chips. Microwave cheese on top for nachos!
19. Sit at your house table. Hale is crazy!
20. Make a salad. Just do it.
21. Ice cream!
22. Diet Sierra Mist + Raspberry Iced Tea
23. Diet Sierra Mist + Grapefruit Juice
24. Diet Sierra Mist + Vodka you bring in a water bottle
25. Don't eat the soup!
26. Swipe your friends.
27. Swipe your dad.
27. You can swipe your friends, you can swipe your nose, but you can't swipe your friend's nose.
28. On second thought, don't swipe your nose.
29. That'd be weird.
30. Steal everything.
31. Hot chocolate + Whipped Cream!
32. Coffee + Microwaved Chocolate Syrup
33. Go to brunch.
34. You can make egg mcmuffins at brunch!
35. The tables are pretty sturdy.
36. Like, you could probably stand on one.
37. And sing to somebody on it.
38. Hypothetically.
39. Get the cookies when they're chewy.
40. That last one is just a general life tip.
1. Macaroni and Cheese = Delicious
2. And mashed potatoes
3. And curly fries
4. And seasoned fries
5. And steak fries
6. Mmm, fries
7. The pasta usually isn't bad, either
8. Delicious, delicious carbs
9. There will be some form of chicken almost every day. Be wary of it.
10. The pizza at pierce is almost always bad. But keep an eye out, anyway.
11. Ok, so nothing at Pierce is actually that good.
12. You learn to lower your standards.
13. After all, it is free.
14. But not really.
15. The egg-rolls aren't good, either.
16. But keep an eye out for the special at the grill, it's usually solid.
17. You can't go wrong with meatballs.
18. There's a good selection of toppings for the chips. Microwave cheese on top for nachos!
19. Sit at your house table. Hale is crazy!
20. Make a salad. Just do it.
21. Ice cream!
22. Diet Sierra Mist + Raspberry Iced Tea
23. Diet Sierra Mist + Grapefruit Juice
24. Diet Sierra Mist + Vodka you bring in a water bottle
25. Don't eat the soup!
26. Swipe your friends.
27. Swipe your dad.
27. You can swipe your friends, you can swipe your nose, but you can't swipe your friend's nose.
28. On second thought, don't swipe your nose.
29. That'd be weird.
30. Steal everything.
31. Hot chocolate + Whipped Cream!
32. Coffee + Microwaved Chocolate Syrup
33. Go to brunch.
34. You can make egg mcmuffins at brunch!
35. The tables are pretty sturdy.
36. Like, you could probably stand on one.
37. And sing to somebody on it.
38. Hypothetically.
39. Get the cookies when they're chewy.
40. That last one is just a general life tip.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Some of the Best Things I've Seen Today
1. University of Chicago students standing on/walking over/touching/laughing about a grate with steam coming out.
2. Golden She-Males
3. Molly accidentally hitting herself in the face with her shoe in Crerar.
4. I like how the chairs in Crerar fit perfectly under the table.
5. Some of the tables in Pierce now have bottles of Tabasco on them.
6. Dollywood
7. University of Chicago kids playing beer pong on a Monday night, then breaking it up because someone had to study.
2. Golden She-Males
3. Molly accidentally hitting herself in the face with her shoe in Crerar.
4. I like how the chairs in Crerar fit perfectly under the table.
5. Some of the tables in Pierce now have bottles of Tabasco on them.
6. Dollywood
7. University of Chicago kids playing beer pong on a Monday night, then breaking it up because someone had to study.
Attractions of the Midwest
1. Chicago
2. Obama's House
3. Millennium Park
4. The University of Chicago
5. Wrigley Field
6. Sears Tower
7. The Hancock Observatory
8. The Magnificent Mile
9. Navy Pier
10. Cubs
11. Frank Lloyd Wright House
12. Threadless Store
13. Threadless Warehouse
14. March 26-Katy Perry
15. Lincoln Park Zoo
16. Ikea
17. April 1-Al Gore
18. April 1-The Mountain Goats
19. Harold's Chicken
20. Milwaukee?
21. Bubbly Creek
22. The Dump Next to the Chicago River
23. The World's Largest Ball of Twine http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/8543
24. Kalamazoo Parties!
25. Detroit
26. Potbelly's
2. Obama's House
3. Millennium Park
4. The University of Chicago
5. Wrigley Field
6. Sears Tower
7. The Hancock Observatory
8. The Magnificent Mile
9. Navy Pier
10. Cubs
11. Frank Lloyd Wright House
12. Threadless Store
13. Threadless Warehouse
14. March 26-Katy Perry
15. Lincoln Park Zoo
16. Ikea
17. April 1-Al Gore
18. April 1-The Mountain Goats
19. Harold's Chicken
20. Milwaukee?
21. Bubbly Creek
22. The Dump Next to the Chicago River
23. The World's Largest Ball of Twine http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/8543
24. Kalamazoo Parties!
25. Detroit
26. Potbelly's
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Procrastination at its Finest
I thought I might share this little gem from last quarter. It describes the fantastic intricacies of the writing process. Witness the process of the creation of my SOSC final paper: (Note this was due at 12 AM, the story begins at 2 PM) (Note 2: The percentages are written assuming a paper length of 1000 words. It turned out being a little longer.)
Alex Writes a Paper in 10 Hours
A Short Story
2:00 – 3:00 Sleep
3:00 – 3:30 Read Darwin Awards in Bathroom
3:30 – 4:45 Play fantastic contraption
4:45 – 5:15 Read cowbirds in love
5:15 – 7:20 Work on Math (Time is halfway up... no progress!)
7:20 – Alex gets it together.
7:45- The first sentence is written: “One day, robots will rule the world.”
8:00- ½ paragraphs, 45 words, ~5% done. (Time elapsed: 60%)
8:10- “Despite these differences, Marx’s and Harvey’s perspectives are reconcilable into a consistent criticism of capitalism.”
8:15- 1 paragraph, 168 words, ~17% done. (Time elapsed: 62.5%)
8:30- 1.5 paragraphs, 245 words, ~25% done. (Time elapsed: 65%)
8:45- 2 paragpraphs, 305 words, ~31% done. (Time elapsed: 67.5%)
9:00- 3 paragraphs, 444 words, ~44% done (Time elapsed: 70%)
9:00 – 9:30 Computer games!
9:30 – 10:00 Hanging out with Molly and Branka
10:00 – 10:10 Back to work- 4 paragraphs, 581 words, ~58% done (Time elapsed: 81.7%)
10:10-10:20 Guitar Playing
10:20 – 10:35 Read Harvey
10:35 Rewrite thesis: “These differences create an irreconcilable picture of capitalism as a problem for the individual, which provides insight into capitalism’s evolutionary tendencies.”
10:45 4.5 paragraphs, 614 words, ~61% done. (Time elapsed: 87.5%)
11:00 5 paragprahs, 700 words, ~70% done. (Time elapsed: 90%)
11:15 6 paragraphs, 854 words, ~85% done. (Time elapsed: 92.5%)
11:25 7 paragraphs, 936 words, ~94% done. (Time elapsed: 94.2%)
11:25 – 11:35 Mess around a bit
11:45 7.5 paragraphs, 1011 words. 2.5 paragraphs left. (Time elapsed: 97.5%)
11:50 Only the concluding paragraph remains. 1192 words
11:57 Done writing, 1269 words.
11:59- Paper turned in
Alex Writes a Paper in 10 Hours
A Short Story
2:00 – 3:00 Sleep
3:00 – 3:30 Read Darwin Awards in Bathroom
3:30 – 4:45 Play fantastic contraption
4:45 – 5:15 Read cowbirds in love
5:15 – 7:20 Work on Math (Time is halfway up... no progress!)
7:20 – Alex gets it together.
7:45- The first sentence is written: “One day, robots will rule the world.”
8:00- ½ paragraphs, 45 words, ~5% done. (Time elapsed: 60%)
8:10- “Despite these differences, Marx’s and Harvey’s perspectives are reconcilable into a consistent criticism of capitalism.”
8:15- 1 paragraph, 168 words, ~17% done. (Time elapsed: 62.5%)
8:30- 1.5 paragraphs, 245 words, ~25% done. (Time elapsed: 65%)
8:45- 2 paragpraphs, 305 words, ~31% done. (Time elapsed: 67.5%)
9:00- 3 paragraphs, 444 words, ~44% done (Time elapsed: 70%)
9:00 – 9:30 Computer games!
9:30 – 10:00 Hanging out with Molly and Branka
10:00 – 10:10 Back to work- 4 paragraphs, 581 words, ~58% done (Time elapsed: 81.7%)
10:10-10:20 Guitar Playing
10:20 – 10:35 Read Harvey
10:35 Rewrite thesis: “These differences create an irreconcilable picture of capitalism as a problem for the individual, which provides insight into capitalism’s evolutionary tendencies.”
10:45 4.5 paragraphs, 614 words, ~61% done. (Time elapsed: 87.5%)
11:00 5 paragprahs, 700 words, ~70% done. (Time elapsed: 90%)
11:15 6 paragraphs, 854 words, ~85% done. (Time elapsed: 92.5%)
11:25 7 paragraphs, 936 words, ~94% done. (Time elapsed: 94.2%)
11:25 – 11:35 Mess around a bit
11:45 7.5 paragraphs, 1011 words. 2.5 paragraphs left. (Time elapsed: 97.5%)
11:50 Only the concluding paragraph remains. 1192 words
11:57 Done writing, 1269 words.
11:59- Paper turned in
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Exceeded Expectations
THREE THINGS EXPECTED OF SAMIR MERCHANT BEFORE HE ARRIVED ON CAMPUS
1. Drummer
2. Arms Dealer
3. Sexy British Accent
THREE THINGS ACTUALLY TRUE ABOUT SAMIR MERCHANT
1. Guitarist
2. Tall, Dark and Shady
3. Sexy British Accent
1. Drummer
2. Arms Dealer
3. Sexy British Accent
THREE THINGS ACTUALLY TRUE ABOUT SAMIR MERCHANT
1. Guitarist
2. Tall, Dark and Shady
3. Sexy British Accent
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