The Quint: A Play In Three Acts

ACT 1

[Setting: Middle of winter quarter, Sunday, ~10:20 PM. ALEX, a skinny white guy, lumbers into the room wearing jeans, a red messenger bag and a forest green winter coat. The main room is dark.]

ALEX: What up, Quint?

[ALEX walks across the main room into his bedroom where BO, a skinny Asian wearing tight corduroys and a ‘Say Hi to your Mom’ T-shirt sits at his computer. Sunset Rubdown plays softly from the speakers.]

BO: Hey, dude.

ALEX: What up bro. Where is everyone?

BO: Samir and Connor are at the Reg*, I think. Stefan's in his room maybe?

ALEX: Cool. [He removes his backpack and coat and drops them haphazardly in the middle of the floor]

BO: Where you been, dude?

ALEX: Off-Off.**

BO: Sweet, how was that?

ALEX: Pretty good. We did this one scene where I was like, a principal and this guy Timur was a student. But we were like, making this plot to burn down the school together. It was funny.

BO: Haha. Sounds good, dude.

ALEX: What you been up to?

BO: Looking up stats on MLB.com. It's such a waste of time! I need to do my stats homework!

ALEX: Haha. Alright good luck, I'm gonna go work on math.

BO: Sounds good, dude.

ALEX: And um, NOT play stupid flash games.

BO: Haha, alright. [ALEX leaves. From his bedroom across the main room, STEFAN calls out.]

STEFAN: ZORN!!***

ALEX: What up!

STEFAN: Zorn! Get in here, mate!

ALEX: Ugh. I have math to do. [He walks into STEFAN’s room anyway.]

STEFAN: I have biology to do! Just check this out, bro.

[STEFAN, another skinny Asian, lies fully clothed on his bed, under his blue comforter. He is wearing jeans and a black button-down. He stares intently at his laptop.]

STEFAN: Check it.

ALEX: Cracked.com top ten celebrities of all time?

STEFAN: [Laughs] Just read it, bro! [Turns the computer toward ALEX]

ALEX: I have work to do!

STEFAN: So do I! You're probably just gonna play stupid internet games.

ALEX: Shut up.

ALEX: [Reading] Number seven is Mona Lisa? She isn't even a real person, dude.

STEFAN: What? Don't you have a sense of humor, mate? You're in off-off! [ALEX rolls his eyes.]

[A knock sounds from the door.]

STEFAN: Come in!

KAYLEY and BRANKA: Hey boys quint!!! [They walk into STEFAN’s room. KAYLEY is a tall white girl with brown hair (with faded purple dye underneath) and a nice ass****. She’s wearing crew sweatpants and a Catcher in the Rye T-shirt. BRANKA, an ensnaringly attractive Serbian girl, has on skinny jeans and a low-cut black blouse.]

BRANKA: Hey boys.

ALEX: [In an awkward, jokingly sexual tone.] Hey, ladies. [BRANKA giggles.]

KAYLEY: Where's Connor?

BRANKA: Probably at the Reg.

STEFAN: Oh I see. You guys just come in here for Connor?

KAYLEY: Yeah, pretty much.

BRANKA: Mm-hmm.

ALEX: [To KAYLEY] How was your day?

KAYLEY: It was alright.

ALEX: Cool.

[There is a short pause.]

BRANKA: Alright. Let's go Kayley. Bye boys quint! [They begin to leave.]

STEFAN: Brankaaaaa...

BRANKA: Hm?

STEFAN: Why do you love Connor and hate me?

BRANKA: [In a mock-aggressive tone.] Because you're filthy and you take advantage of women and you're not a nice person! [She breaks and giggles]

STEFAN: [Flops on his bed face-down] Brankaa. You're killing me. [BRANKA smiles]

BRANKA: Alright, bye boys.

KAYLEY: Bye.

ALEX: See-ya. [The girls leave]

BO: [From the kitchen] Who drank my juice!??

STEFAN: Mate I gotta show you this website...

ALEX: Bro, I gotta work. [He gets up and leaves]

STEFAN: Broo! No come back!

[BO enters]

BO: Stefan, did you drink my juice?

STEFAN: [Smiling guiltily] Mayyybee.

BO: You owe me $2.50.

STEFAN: [Muttering] I always pay for the alcohol...

BO: I bought this juice. You drink it, you pay your share.

STEFAN: Ok, ok. [Walks over to his bookshelf and starts digging in a cup of quarters.]

BO: I don't want your fuckin quarters!

STEFAN: [Handing BO a stack of quarters.] Here. Now can I drink your juice?

BO: [Sighing] Fine. Give me bills next time dude.

ALEX: [From the main room] FUCK YOU LASER ALIENS!

End of Act 1

*The main on-campus library.
**An improv and sketch comedy group which ALEX is a member of.
***ALEX's last name, which some refer to him as.
****This is an objective fact, not simply a bias of the author.